The Three "Bs" of Friendship

 The Three “Bs” of Friendship 

Being away from work allows you to reflect on many aspects of your life. You have time to think, which can be both dangerous and exciting depending on how your mind works. Mine tends to go in multiple directions at a time, so it’s nice to pick something and dive in a bit deeper to understand why I’m even thinking about it in the first place. Something I was thinking about the other day was friendships and the different levels of friendships that exist throughout our lives. 

Deep in thought, I was able to whittle down the friendships I’ve had into 3 categories. None of them are meant to be negative, although it may seem that way at first blush. I’m interested to see if others agree with what I’ve laid out or if you feel there are additional layers that I haven’t considered. The 3 levels are listed below, along with a short description and additional details for each:

1. Band-Aid: temporary friend, may have filled a gap or void in your life but you’re no longer in touch

2. Balloon: short or long term friend, someone that flys in and out of your life that you keep in touch with over an extended period of time 

3. Barnacle: long term friends, may or may not be your best friend(s), but definitely someone you’ve known for years and keep in contact with daily/weekly 

Band-Aid 

We’ve all had them. “I really like him/her, they’re great,” but how great? Well, not very considering you only stayed in contact for a short period of time. This could be your fault, their fault or nobody’s fault, the potential friendship simply died on the vine. These could also be people you were friends with while in high school, college, at work, etc. You enjoyed their company at the time; however, it was a “circumstance friendship,” meaning, you got along with them well enough that you were friends/friendly but it never escalated beyond that. You also didn’t keep in touch after because there was no point outside of that particular situation. 

These friends may also fill a void or provide you with something you needed at the time. A good example would be friends in a running club. You decide to take up running and join a club. You hit it off with 1-3 people in the club, you enjoy hanging out with them while running and perhaps even going to grab a beer after, but that’s as far as it goes. Life gets in the way and you begin to have different interests so you’re no longer running. Chances are, you’re also no longer friends with the people you had been hanging out with. They become “Facebook acquaintances” and nothing more. Again, this is not negative in my opinion, it’s just what happens. You like to see their posts and wish them well, you’ve just moved on to something different. As is the case with all band-aids, this was a temporary friendship, but not one you wouldn’t look back on fondly and be appreciative for how they influenced your life in some way. 

Balloon 

The classic “fly in, fly out” friendship. This happens most often for me with friends I went to college with, and much of it has to do with proximity and ability to see one another. I would put both close friends and close acquaintances in this category, I’d also place higher interaction on social media, texting or perhaps talking on the phone (who does that anymore?) as a requirement. Personally, I have several text threads going at all times with various friends I’ve made throughout the years. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to see these people more often, I absolutely would. Work, kids, they live too far away, these are all detriments to being able to hang out more often. For instance, if a friend I had established a relationship with for years were my next door neighbor, that would elevate our friendship to another level (more on that in the Barnacle section) but since they’re not, they continue to float in and out of my life each day/week/month. 

The great part about a Balloon friend is, when you do see them, you can pick up where you left off. Far from being uncomfortable, you have a close enough relationship to understand you’d both like to hang out more, it’s just not possible due to all the factors already outlined above. You could literally not see or speak to these people for years and there’s no ill will, you’re just happy to rekindle the friendship that was always there, like an already built fire waiting for the match to be lit. Light it up and away you go, transported to wherever your friendship may have begun, regardless of how far removed or how many events have taken place between then and now. 

Barnacles 

Sticky like glue, Barnacle friends are your “go to” people. Having a crisis in your life? Call on them to help or provide advice. Ready to make a big purchase? You know who to call. I’m lucky enough to count the number of Barnacle friends I have on both hands, having forged friendships with them either in high school, college or both. I realize not everyone can be so lucky, but most likely you have at least one friend you can always count on. At one point around middle school, this was me as well. I had one best friend who I lost touch with over time and had migrated to Balloon or perhaps even Band-Aid status. Unfortunately, he passed away during Covid; but the memories I have of him and our time together are happy ones and I’m thankful he was my friend at a time in my life when I desperately needed one. 

These are also the “guys trip/girls trip” friends, the ones you keep in contact with as much as possible regardless of distance apart. For better or worse, they know everything about you, and may even serve as Godparents to your children or pallbearers at your parents funeral. Many years ago, my brother once told me “family is forever, but your friends go away.” He’s right of course, if you’re a Band-Aid or Balloon friend, but not the Barnacles. They're sticky little buggers and hard to scrape off easily. The definition of family is a “group of two or more persons related by birth, marriage or adoption who live together.” There’s no way to pigeon hole your closest friends into this definition necessarily; however, it’s safe to say you’ve all adopted one another, choosing the good with the bad in order to provide joy and comfort and act in a similar fashion as a family normally would. 

As I said when we started, there may be different definitions you can throw in here and even add on to the ones I’ve already outlined, but these are the ones that make the most sense in my experience. It’s easy to get into the habit of regret when it comes to those friends who were in your life at one point and you no longer see or keep in touch with. Instead, I’d consider looking at the time you spent together with zero regret. Consider the happiness either they brought to you or you brought to them. Like my friend in middle school, we both needed each other at that time in our life and even though he’s no longer here, those times are far from sad for me. 

Life is hard. Temporary and long term friends, along with your immediate family, make the daily grind more bearable. Whether you have more Band-Aid, Balloon or Barnacle friends is largely up to you. As is the case with most things, you get out what you put in. 

One thing I didn’t mention is that barnacles are spineless and have an external shell. To be the best friend possible, I’d caution you to crack that exterior shell we all have and by all means, make sure you have a spine. Being hard and spineless is a great way to permanently place yourself in the Band Aid category. 

My Life as a Manny

 My Life as a Manny 

One of the things I’d like to do with this blog is to have a series of articles on a similar topic and either provide them for the week or over an extended period of time, as an update if you will. I figured what better series to start with than my life as a “Manny (man nanny),” as I’ve come to now call myself. This would of course provide perhaps some comical relief (as the name would imply); however, it’s also a good social experiment to update you on my day to day. Many of you have mentioned you’d like to either “take the same plunge” in resigning from your job or are considering it. Either way, I’td be good for you to know what you’re getting yourself into. I know that would’ve been helpful for me. It’s been a couple of weeks since I resigned, so let’s dive right in…

Week 1 

Oh wow, what an idiot. Why did I quit my job? Who would do such a thing? What the hell am I going to do now? Your wife is going to hate you.

Loser. 

Cry Baby. 

Quitter. 

Yup, that was pretty much a majority of my first week. Monday felt good because I played golf with a buddy of mine, so my mind was off of things; however, Tuesday through Thursday were rough. Self doubt and fear are certainly normal human emotions to have, and that’s what I kept telling myself, but the negative pangs of your thoughts can be challenging to overcome in the moment sometimes. 

The good news is, by Friday I had turned it around and told myself to remember why I had resigned in the first place and to simply move on with my life. You can do that now, I kept saying, you’re free from it all. Once you’ve learned to embrace that, the fact your life now becomes your own is extremely liberating. It’s amazing how quickly that feeling of regret and helplessness can be replaced with a feeling of complete and total liberation from your captors. And yes, I realize I’m making a jail or kidnapping reference; however, that’s what my job felt like for the last few years. The week ended on an extremely high note with our annual St Patrick’s Day party where I didn’t even feel uncomfortable answering questions about the “why” behind my decision. 

Week 2

Uh, it’s Monday, and you can do whatever you want today. That’s amazing. It’s not terrifying as much as it is sobering. Whereas the week prior I felt an air of failure all around me, I now feel a bit of guilt for staying at home but I’m also thankful for all the things I get to enjoy in my day. The fact I get to see Emily (my 7 year old daughter) most mornings and pick her up on most days is a tonic that would cure any ill I may be having at that moment. As anyone that knows me is already aware, I love being her Dad and having the ability to spend more time with her is a gift that I won’t squander while I’m able to enjoy it. 

Laundry and cooking. As a good Manny should do, I’ve been keeping up with all the laundry and have been cooking for both myself and the girls, I’ve even fired up the grill on a random Tuesday to throw on some chicken. Given I use a charcoal grill (because gas grills are for quitters), I never would’ve had time to do this previously on a weeknight. How about the laundry? Well, I’m keeping up with that too. We had a rainy day last week and I spent the majority of it catching up on Ted Lasso while washing/drying/folding laundry. I’m truly beginning to understand all the work my mother had to do at home to keep our house running. Please don’t mistake what I'm saying, I’m not excited to do the laundry (I don’t mind the cooking) but it’s gratifying to complete a task and feel accomplished for the day. Rarely did I feel that way in my job where I was constantly putting out a fire, apologizing for an error or attempting to push a project forward only to see it fall two rungs down a week later. The joys of corporate America have been replaced with the true joy of supporting my family in other ways while being the best Dad I can be. 

So there you have it. After two weeks, we went from downtrodden to upwardly mobile. I have zero doubt we will continue to have ups and downs throughout the journey, but it’s been interesting to see what each day brings and how I’m reacting differently to new and different challenges. For now, Manny is alive and well, thriving in my new role. I’ll check in again in a month or two.  

Rise Above it America

 Rise Above it America 

America has lost its way, of this I’m certain. Where once there were ad campaigns for ‘’Made in the USA’’ and shows of unity for our troops after America was attacked by terrorists on 9/11, these have been replaced with people screaming at each other over the vilified topic of the moment and a movement to ban cows due to their overwhelming flatulence upon the earth. How did we get here and how can a ‘’child of the 80s’’ such as I am deal with all of this madness? 

First, let’s explore the main reason of how we got here. Social media, plain and simple. For those of you who remember, you need only look back to a moment in time I referenced above, the aftermath of 9/11. Sure, many people were against the war in Iraq and had an opinion on the Weapons of Mass Destruction that never ended up coming to fruition, but for the most part, we were united. United in our sadness and grief, we watched the Yankees vs. Mets World Series (Subway Series) matchup with renewed interest. All the while, singing along and tearing up at the playing of our national anthem. Regardless of skin color by the way, we all came together, collectively. Now, imagine if social media were around back then? What do you think would’ve happened? You know the answer. There would have been those who were overly patriotic (now known as Trumpers, MAGA, Ultra MAGA, Alt Right, etc), those in the center or only mildly interested (most of America, regardless of what the media tells you), and then you’d have the sympathizers (those who would defend the terrorists for what they had done). 

I have to go down this rabbit hole because there are those of you out there who will disagree that sympathizers would exist. I can assure you, there would most definitely be sympathizers. I say this because it goes against all reason for you to think there would be, so of course, they would exist. They would vilify America, attack President Bush for invading Iraq, attack the families of loved ones who were killed, etc. All of this would be true because we’ve seen things like this happen on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. It’s been discussed in detail elsewhere, but it’s very easy to attack someone online vs. face to face. A tweet can now be worth a thousand words, or so the old saying now goes. People don’t care, there is no empathy, sympathy or caring in the online universe. Anything goes, so of course it would stand to reason that sympathizers would not only exist, they would be a vocal group of people making up a much larger percentage than you would ever think possible. It’s even harder to fathom considering terrorists targeted and killed thousands of American citizens but, it would nonetheless be true.  

Secondly, we can blame the American media complex. Simply put, there can be no bigger joke in America than the media. Constantly pandering to the left, they refuse to provide the news, they instead provide their opinions. Those on the left will point to Fox News as pandering to the right, and this is correct, but that’s because there was a void in the market. There would of course have to be the opposite version available for those that didn’t want to watch the drivel that is now MSNBC, CNN or the like. I’m not defending Fox News by the way, it’s equally egregious of providing false narratives, but does it really make sense to discuss which false news network is better? They’re all duping you and me on a daily basis, whether you’re left, right or center, this should not sit well with you as an American citizen. 

Opinions sell, news is boring. In this social media/false news/fast news world we live in, it’s more important to get clicks, likes and views than it is to actually provide people with the news of the day. This is a massive injustice to us as Americans and has caused a divide that, quite frankly, I don’t think can be repaired without a massive underground movement for change. Whereas before it was your American duty to be patriotic and love our country, we’re now inundated with stories on a daily basis about injustices, riots and stories of how we should feel ashamed to be Americans. I do agree that America is full of horrible events dotting the landscape of our history, but I have news for you, every country has this same issue. To hear the media tell it, we’re on our own little island of misery and should apologize for everything, including the founding of our country. I, for one, completely disagree. 

Much like a human being, America is full of warts, terrible atrocities and unforgivable events. No amount of apologies will help us forget what happened or have those who have been wronged accept any apology that would suffice for events already having taken place. America is very flawed, of course it is. A country is a reflection of the people who live in it and the people who are either elected or rise to power to run it. Put another way, it’s an experiment of human reflection. As we’re all painfully aware on a daily basis, human beings can be quite nasty to one another. Not all of us of course, the false media does provide us with some stories of kindness and giving that will warm your soul and make your day better. Even the trash heap that is social media can share heartfelt pictures of your friends with their families, many of which are people of different races, backgrounds and religions, getting along and loving one another as friends and brothers/sisters. 

My point is this, both social media and the American media complex have agendas, most of them not great for your psyche or love of your neighbor and our country. Don’t listen to them, they’re wrong. America is the greatest country on earth. I know this because you’re reading what I’ve written here. I have the freedom to sit at my laptop and provide my opinion, although this can happen in other countries, the freedoms we enjoy should not be taken for granted or taken lightly. As a child, there is no way I would’ve believed that being a patriot was something I may have to apologize for or be embarrassed of, but that’s exactly the direction we’re heading in. If we have a population who has no love of country and apathy as it relates to our standing in the world, there is no way that country can survive in the long term. 

‘’From the errors of other nations, let us learn wisdom.’’ This is a quote from Thomas Paine’s Common Sense, which was a pamphlet used to inspire the American people in their fight for freedom from the British during the American Revolution. The American populace would do well to remember, as our forefathers did, to not only read Common Sense but use it when applying decisions in our daily life. Let’s start an underground movement. Then, and only then, will we have the ability to move forward, together, in prosperity.

You Left a Six Figure Job To Do What? Are You Nuts?

You Left a Six Figure Job To Do What? Are You Nuts?

Everyone thinks I’m nuts. I’m 47 years old, recently quit my six figure job and have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do next. No, really, I have absolutely no idea. I have dreams of grandeur of course, all of which involve day trading, becoming a famous author or starting my own company (doing what, you ask? Once again, no clue). So how did I get here? What made me quit a job at a company where I spent 25 years, had developed what I consider to be a pretty good reputation, while allowing me and my family to live a very comfortable life? I’m hopeful it’s not a mid-life crisis, that would be too simple, I truly think it’s more than that.

Let’s explore the potential insanity of how we got here. I can whittle this decision down to 3 things:

1. Stress and general dislike of my job

2. A “life is too short” mentality

3. An incredibly supportive partner

Stress, stress and more stress

We’ll start with the first one since this is probably the reason most people would leave a job. I didn’t work 80 hour weeks and rarely worked weekends, so what’s the problem? Stress to me could certainly include long hours; however, I’ve had many positions where I’ve had to work on Saturdays or Sunday mornings and had zero problem doing it. There have also been times where I’ve been away for the entire week traveling due to meetings I needed to attend. I’ll hold my comments on this one as this has more to do with work/life balance later, but none of these particularly stressed me to the point of being unhappy. Sometimes you simply have a job that sucks, and you don’t like it. There’s a myriad of reasons for this, but mine boiled down to the tasks necessitated to get the job done, the fact there was zero empathy within the group and company I worked for and a general lack of human decency for the people I was asked to manage. This became extremely clear during the Covid year of 2021.

It started as a “hey, we’ll most likely need to work from home for awhile” and turned into a year and a half, working from home and away from the office. Generally speaking, you would think this has a huge upside and in some ways it did; however, there were other ways where it became a detriment. If you’re already home, 8am or 8pm meetings become the norm. Asking people to stay late or asking me, as the manager, to enact Saturday work to keep up with demand, was a normal occurrence. The number of people I had to counsel due to nervous breakdowns and over the phone crying I can count on both hands. Not great when you have a team of 10 . Corporate America is littered with overworked and underpaid professionals, scraping by to eke out a living. This most certainly wasn’t me, I do feel I was compensated fairly for the work we were asked to do, to a point. I say this because no amount of compensation can justify my missing dinner 3 out of 5 weeknights with my family because I have to attend a 6-8pm call. You can give me another 5% in bonus money and I’ll thank you for it at the end of the year, but the stress this caused both myself and my wife can not be quantified in a dollar amount. We were already dealing with a pandemic situation and this didn’t help. I’m attempting not to complain here since I realize there are literally thousands if not millions of people who worked harder than I did and even had (or still have) to hold down 2-3 jobs to make ends meet. I’m simply stating the work wasn’t for me and, in the end, it’s my life and that’s enough for me to conclude that this is totally ok.

Life is Way Too Short

Fast forward to today. All employees were asked to come back into the office on a hybrid schedule, working from home 2 days and in the office the other 3. Normally I’d be fine with this; however, you get used to your life the way it was when you had more flexibility at home. You can take your kids to school in the morning or actually make their soccer practice on a Tuesday night, let alone helping your spouse make dinner every once in a while. Once the Covid craziness died down, I was able to work from home for about 6-8 months in a more normal working environment. I still didn’t love the job, but the ability to do it at home was a huge plus to stay put for a bit longer, riding it out to see where it would go. I also never traveled over the course of the 18 months to two years when I was at home. Although travel wasn’t a huge part of my job, I did have to go out of town at least 3-4 times per year. When you have kids, and you love your wife, this is not only an inconvenience it’s painful to be away from them. Missing out on any part of my children’s childhood because I have to sit in a meeting for 3 days became unacceptable to me.

My father died at the age of 64. He worked for the same company for 30+ years and, according to my mother, hated every minute of it. I swore when I was younger that I’d never turn out like my father, whoops, I became exactly what I was attempting to avoid. When you work somewhere so long, it becomes a part of who you are, it’s truly your identity in so many ways. You’re proud of it, you wear it around like a badge of honor. That’s great, but if you hate it, what does that badge truly represent? Your misery? I think so, and if that’s the case, what’s the purpose of continuing to wear it with pride. If anything, it’s time to take it off, hang it on the shelf and move on to the next adventure.

I already established earlier that I’m 47 years old. I’m quite a bit healthier than my father ever was, having never gotten into the habit of drinking a 12 pack of Natty LIghts followed by a Dinty Moore Stew late night chaser. But, you never know what’s going to happen, what if I did take after my father and only had 17 years left to live? Would I want to spend it chained to my desk on conference calls all day or would I want to spend it living with my family? Pretty sure anyone can answer that question pretty easily. I made what many would consider a hard choice, but to me, it was pretty simple. There’s no reason to deny ourselves true happiness. Not at the expense of others mind you, but why be miserable doing something day in and day out if you don’t have to? This brings me to my third reason for quitting, a reliable and supportive partner. 

It Takes Two to Tango

Not everyone has what my wife and I have, although I wish they did. She’s supportive of me, I'm supportive of her and we’re both proud of each other's accomplishments. She wants nothing more than for me to be happy, even if that means she will be the breadwinner for the foreseeable future. We’ve spent countless days and nights discussing my unhappiness, and although she probably wanted to throw me off a bridge more than once, she stayed patient and provided advice and guidance when I needed it. It also helps she was able to move out of a contract position and into a full time role with her company. She now has all the benefits a white collar office job provides (401K, bonus potential, pension, health care, etc). This has allowed us to make this decision as a team. That’s right, as a team.

Decisions like this shouldn’t be made alone. You were in the emotional battles together over the years, why would you shy away from taking this to the finish line together? The team concept is essential to making something like this work. As of this writing, I still have another week of work left to go. This means the real test hasn’t yet begun. What will I do all day? Will my wife resent me for not working? Will she judge me if I simply read a book, for the entire day, followed by a dip in the hot tub? Are all of these things ok? The answer is, I’m not 100% sure yet, but I do know we will discuss any and all animosity when it may present itself. I’m not an expert in the human condition, but it will most definitely present itself.

When my wife has a particularly stressful day while I’ve been sunning myself on the back deck, well, I think you can see how this may cause issues. The key is, talk about it, while also being helpful around the house and with the kids. Food shopping needs to be done? No problem, on it. Laundry piling up? Got it, don’t worry about it. You can also see the whole gender role things go away, this has to be the case. We don’t live in 1950s America anymore. It’s not my wife’s job to cook, clean and go to work while I sit at home and do nothing. I need to put aside my male ego and do what’s necessary to keep the house running, this includes taking my daughter to dance recitals and even Saturday afternoon birthday parties, college football watching be damned.

My plan is not to retire fully, just to take time off to think and catch my breath, a much needed respite in what has thus far been a moderately fulfilling work life. I don’t feel the need to apologize for this or explain myself to anyone, this is simply what must be, the rest of my life and where it goes from here depends on it.

So, there you have it. A work life that once consumed much of my time, effort and focus will now be steered in other directions as of yet unknown. The good news is, if you’re reading this, one of my dreams of grandeur would’ve already come true, I’ll be a published author! Sure, it’s not a novel or perhaps even a best seller, but everyone has to start somewhere. Now, if I can only make that day trading idea work, we may be on to something. 

Patrick W. Byrne